Do what makes you feel good

Last April my Grandma, whom I called my Abuela, passed away.

I wrote this about her right before she died.

I recently sat with my Abuela, while she lay in bed expressing her willingness to let go and die.

Up until about 4 years ago she was very active.  She regularly visited the senior center with her close friends, participated in line dancing classes, and took my yoga classes.  She began to experience bouts of vertigo, which started to slow her down.  In the last year, at 93 years of age, she has fallen several times, breaking her shoulder, ankle, and hip.

Now she spends time in bed and sitting in her wheelchair feeling the sadness of not being able to do what she used to.  She’s tired of trying to live and ready to surrender to death but doesn’t know how.

While sitting with her, we talked about how to let go and die, we talked about my grandpa taking his last breath, we talked about her missing herself when she dies, we spoke of God, we held hands, we kissed and hugged.

I expressed my love for her and she did the same for me and she followed by saying “doesn’t it feel so good to love”.

I told her how much fun I had with her cooking, watching tv, learning to sew, and how much I appreciated her watching my boys.  She has watched them since my oldest was born and he is almost six.  She expressed her gratitude for having so much time with them.

She wanted to cry but couldn’t, I cried for her.  We loved each other, listened to each other, we could have stayed their forever, her and I, and we both knew it. It was a beautiful moment in time.  I am grateful for those two hours that I spent with her.  They were real, they made us both feel good.

I wrote that in early March and she died early April.

The day before she died, I went to see her and I bent over to give her a hug and kiss and she said in a very weak voice, “that feels so good, I didn’t get enough of that in my life”.  And so I held her and kissed her several more times all over her face and neck.  I wanted her to feel so much love in that moment, all that I had to give.

The next day when I came to see her, her eyes were shut and she was not going to open them again.  She was breathing but I knew she had already chosen to pass.  I was so proud of her, she figured out a way to let go.  She found her way.  And I knew she was happy. She looked so beautiful lying there.  Her skin was soft and so smooth. She had a very small amount of wrinkles. She was perfect, she found love.

I was left with a heavy heart and a great sadness.  I wondered what the point of life was in that moment, I didn’t want to DO anything.  I thought it was purposeless to DO anything.  After refelecting on those feelings, I realized that the purpose of life was to enjoy every moment, to love deeply, and to nurture your relationship with yourself and those you love.  And to live doing what makes you FEEL GOOD.

I miss my Abuela greatly during this holiday season, she always got me cozy PJ’s for Christmas.  I will miss those PJ’s, but I will spend this holiday giving as much love as I have in me.  I will kiss and hug and kiss and hug some more.

Do what makes you feel good this Holiday Season!

Thank you for reading, listening, for being YOU.

With Love and Light and Soulfulness,

Shauna Lay